FIELD NOTES 002- hyper aversion edition

what goes up must come down…the fixation to adversion cycle

Sevilla-Serie Nr. 27 Assemblage Daniel Spoerri 1992

I promised a love letter and since I finally delivered on that, this week’s can be light. It’s the second installment of Field Notes, essentially it’s recommendations with a (loose) theme. The first edition centered around hyper fixation and this week’s is tied together by the other side of that coin….

It’s the salad you ate for lunch for a year but the smell now nauseates you; it’s the song you loved until the Stranger Things music supervisor did too; it’s the former roommate who now feels like a mosquito showing up to your group despite citronella, and well … you get it… it’s repulsion.

It’s tough out here for those of us with a propensity to overdo it… tell me what you’ve been into or repulsed by lately… or if you’ve mastered moderation, please, tell me how….

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FIELD NOTES 002 ______ DATE: 8/22/23

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QUIT:  

Last time, I’d ditched a morning walk route to hike up to a pond with turtles. This was a welcome change, until it wasn’t.

The time between realizing a routine is a repulsion and replacing it is uncomfortable, so I often hold on too long. But the quicker I let go the sooner I can catch the next trapeze. I thought I believed in morning routine monogamy; now I see the value in not lingering anywhere too long.

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ATE:

I used to be like a half-pack to a pack a day, but big update: I’m off the cakes. The satisfying crunch of a fresh pack of rice cakes had me under a spell for months, which I gushed about here …

FIELD NOTES 001

But I began walking past them, even in the stores that stock the best brand (Mother’s salted). Then the true test came: Groce Out, which doesn’t usually stock them at all, had a display of them for 99 cents, and I still kept walking. That’s when I knew I’d [over] done it.

It’s sad when a hyper fixation becomes a repulsion. Most of August has been nightly versions of how I always eat solo: cold food, often standing up, often the quickest item I can find. I’m not proud of this, but I’m also not ashamed of it and genuinely curious how all of you eat when no one is looking.

Our private eating habits have many names: I like calling mine “Oliver Twist eating” ever since Captain made a joke when I told him how long it had been since I’d had warm food: “So you eat like Oliver Twist when left to your own devices!”

Meanwhile, the internet has been calling this propensity for snacks as meals, “Girl Dinner.“

When Michi used the phrase casually, I didn’t know the term, but I do the action so often it is nearly my next repulsion.

Obviously, this way of eating is not gendered like that name suggests. When Jason talked about his inadvertent “husband meals,” I thought, yet another name for it. Until our food correspondent Kate corrected me, “There’s overlap but they’re not identical,” she said over a shared girl dinner/husband meal/Oliver Twist plate.

The trend isn’t as interesting to me as the question: how does one eat with no one looking? And no one to share with? When yours is the only palate for consideration—what do you consider?

There’s something melancholic about eating alone to me, even though I often prefer it. Living with roommates during the height of the pandemic, it felt intimate and voyeuristic to see how people ate alone. I noticed myself plating a more traditionally appetizing meal when I had perceived supervision.

Karolina, a chef, once said, “Feeding someone is one of the most intimate things you can do.”

So perhaps my intimacy issues extend to my eating? I’m not alone in my complex relationship to it; honestly it’s wild that to simply remain alive, we must handle feeding ourselves daily, multiple times, and taking too many days off from it…eventually kills us. High stakes.

Well this was all food repulsion, no recs, so again, I will direct you to Kate’s Bite Sized, our source for those…

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DID:  

Kate’s close friend, Chef Chloe, co-hosted a dinner with my close friend, Heidi. As guests began leaving, I turned to Kate and said, “It’s going to look like I’m going in for thirds if I make a plate now.” Kate responded, “Who cares, go eat!”

Then, like a guide in a forest, she led me through the bountiful spread, warning me of the peppers’ heat and suggesting (correctly) I’d want a larger portion of the green dip.

Between the food by Chloe, my plate by Kate, and the clothes by Heidi, the evening checked a lot of boxes, but my favorite part was when we migrated inside.

The party ended, cleanup crew began—and laugher erupted around the kitchen island when Chloe realized she forgot to put out the 6 baguettes she bought. So we dunked hunks of them into the spreads we’d just transferred from elegant dishes to Tupperware. While debriefing from the night, we snacked on leftovers, which is: basically large format Girl Dinner? Eating like we would alone, but with others?

I tried to make my exit but feared committing what we call in the midwest, an “eat & run.” But I was double-booked; Christine was DJ-ing at the bar and Zoë was there waiting for me.

There are two types of people in this world: those who mysteriously exit easily and those who—regardless of where they have to be next—cannot leave until they’re certain the host won’t wake up to a mess.

Zoë is the latter: when I would host parties, regardless of how late it got or how convincingly I insisted, “no worries I’ll do it later!” she stayed. She didn’t have to, but the more she made sure I was never left with a mess, the more I wanted to host again.

When I arrived with ziplocks of salad and a baguette, and my excuse for why I was so tardy… she understood.

Heidi’s been on the show, Chloe is booked for next month, and Kate…well… hopefully someday… we brainstormed collaborations while picking at the spread once people left… and Zoë… someday if we’re lucky...

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LISTENED TO: 

I feel the same about this album as I do about the hike and rice cakes: things I loved and still feel a fondness for, yet am no longer reaching for like I once was.

In this case, I’m actively pushing it away in repulsion. A song from this album came on in a store last week and I left.

Someone played it around me during an emotional time. So despite loving it, I don’t listen to it since it brings up feelings I’m trying to avoid.

Emotions aside, I’ve ruined songs for myself by intentionally playing them so often they become my own radio single. I don’t have the answer to this conundrum, but here’s an option: maybe we just swap listening to music all together for listening to podcasts about music? Like this one…

Local Natives on their song Dark Days - I was excited when the episode was about a song written by the one band member I know. Ryan is friend of the podcast Nada’s husband. I don’t know him super well, but we did watch a world cup game extremely early in the morning once, where Nada’s (our) team won in overtime.

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This fixation-to-repulsion pattern is common with music, but clearly can happen anywhere, even with other people.

I don’t know if there’s a way to prevent the cycle. When novelty wears off, we’re left with realness and maybe that’s what we’re attempting to avoid? Can we protect novelty? Prolong it by rationing how often we listen to a song on repeat or see a person we have a crush on?

When humans become repulsed by one another, I think it often is because they remind them of something within them that they’re wanting to change, or of a time they’re wanting to forget. With people, boundaries prevent friction and maintain mystery.

But sometimes it’s just not possible to keep a distance. There are songs I will never intentionally listen to again… which begs the question…
If there are songs that cannot come back from overexposure is that true with people too? What has your experience been? Let me know…

I would also love to know:
-Which of your hyper fixations have become repulsions? (If any)
-What do you eat when you eat alone? Does it differ from how you eat with others?

Thanks for reading,
Katie

PS. The image up top is from a series that looks at the connection between tastes and consumption. More here about “Eat Art,” which Kate (the real star of this issue) sent me, because it reminded us of a postcard we both happened to buy.

Postcard, from The Eames House

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ENCORE

(aka things I wanted in this issue but couldn’t fit into the theme of repulsion without stretching it…)

WATCHED: 

Paris,Texas (twice) —> have you seen it? I got invited to a screening of it at my new favorite place, Vidiots. I went despite having watched it the week before. Usually, back to back viewing could be recipe for overexposure, but in this case it was just nice. And prime for noticing details, like this sign…

“The Dust has come to stay you may stay or pass on through or whatever” from Paris, Texas, 1984...

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READ:  

(Related) I started reading Sam Shepard’s Motel Chronicles after watching Paris, Texas (the first time). I’d been carrying it around in the basket I use as a see through purse, so I felt like a person wearing a band’s shirt to their concert when I showed up to the screening with it.

I embarrassedly realized it reminded me of when my aunt Gail showed up in a full cap and gown complete with shoes that said “celebrate” to my cousin’s graduation. She was coming from the ceremony at the high school she taught at, but she could’ve taken it off in the car and did not.

This was weird, but do I remember what any other family member wore? Sure don’t.

Weird is what I aim for… weird is memorable, creative, often deeply uncool. Trying to be cool has had be in a headlock these last few years, more on that soon...

This essay on doing the weirdest idea. Michelle sent it to me and we’re making it our guiding light creatively. I pulled my favorite quote.

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WORE:  

Heidi and the team have managed to create another Ozma season I love. I once came to visit her at her studio and she said, “Try these on!” It was a prototype of a pant she’d just designed that now exists called: The Field Pant.

in honor of Field Notes, the Field Pant (prototype) 2022

They’re next on my list. If you feel the same, we have a code. I’m often wearing Ozma when working at the shop so I tend to give it out loud there most, it’s katie15 for 15% off.

We recorded our episode years ago at the same kitchen island mentioned above, but we’re closer friends now, so she’ll be back.

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MAILBOX: 

More from Sacha (most of my snail mail is from her and that’s one thing I will never overdo it on). This month’s package included ceramics she made.

And speaking of ceramics, two of my best friends have pottery practices I will never tire of…

—> Ceramrap (Christine) is so innovative, and it has been so cool to watch her pieces evolve. From her ceramic boot striker to my newest favorite: this toilet that is an amplifier for your phone speaker while in the shower…genius.

I watched her hand build outside my house in the early pandemic, early Ceramrap.

—> And Maddiecakes (Maddie) is thriving too! I was in Maddie’s car a few weeks ago and picked up something she’d just made. Every time I’m at her apartment, there’s a new piece I’m in awe of. So much so, I’m going to have her draw one of those designs on me with her tattoo gun—that’s how certain I will never tire of her art.

Maddie and Christine at their joint gallery show opening May 2023. **They’ll both be back on the podcast eventually—promise. In the meantime put q’s or topics you’ll want us to cover in the comments and I’ll see what I can do for you.

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#430 LIZ TRAN

This week I talk with Liz Tran, author and founder of Reset NYC. We delve into the distinction between self-esteem and self-worth and how they fuel productivity, assertiveness, and resilience. How to be assertive without being rude, how family constellations helped her make pivotal changes, how she works as an executive coach and how she uses diagrams, figures, and visuals to break down concepts.

PODCAST EPISODE 431

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*These go out inconsistently and are wildly imperfect, but have you ever questioned if I’m AI and not an alive human?

(thank you for reading. so much)