4 Ways I Escape Lately
Give 'em a go! But beware, they have two components that make something addictive: inconsistency and novelty.
As a kid there was very little I could control; I could however dissociate from reality and mentally flee. I've attempted to fill what writer Melissa Broder calls the “existential hole within us” with a plethora of addictions and I still do.
Her most recent novel is about how we turn these diversions into our gods. She says,
"My god is whatever I'm putting in the spiritual hole inside of me that day. That's what I'm making my higher power."
In an attempt to be more aware of my escape routes, here’s a list of a few I recently noticed.
They are mostly benign… feel free to give 'em a go! But beware, all four have the two components that make something highly addictive:
inconsistency and novelty.
4 WAYS I ESCAPE LATELY:
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1. “Groce Out” – This is a specific addiction of mine because of my proximity to this store in my neighborhood technically. It's called Grocery Outlet Bargain Market but Dexter and Savannah coined Groce Out and I co-opted it. It's a wild place, like TJ Maxx but for food … not expired food or on the verge of expiration even, just overstock from other stores. Or I'll notice a snack is there because they're redoing their packaging, which I only realize when I see it with a design facelift in Whole Foods months later. If you discover something you like, you can't go back and buy it again because you'll likely never see it again, at least not there (you might at your local Sprouts but for triple the price).
I used to always say I was afraid of “big stores” in New York. I never grocery shopped with a cart, I only bought what I needed for the day or two and browsed little health food stores. So when I came to LA, I treated this neighborhood similarly. I'd stop into Cookbook a few times a day for one or two items and walk to another market later which suits my basically minibar-sized fridge.
One day in the thick of the pandemic Dexter needed to stop at Groce Out to buy toilet paper while we were on a walk, so we popped on our masks and I wandered the aisles. He told me he wanted to buy stock in them as he gave me a tour, as if he owned the place… “And the best part is, they have the baskets in the back of the store,” he said. (It is actually nice.)
I'd soon be the one constantly popping in to see what they have in their “meant to be like a Whole Foods” wellnessy aisle. Nearly daily. It's such a rush— you never know what it's going to be like and that's why it's such a high. But this is not just about my addiction to this store, it's also my addiction to trying new snacks…the weirder the better. And usually the weird wellnessy snacks I like to roll the dice on are Erewhon-expensive, but since I live a 5 min walk from Groce Out, I often get to try these for less than half the price. And if I hate it, I know to never pay full price elsewhere.
2. Poshmark / Depop – I have a hard rule of never trying anything on in a three-way mirror—it is two ways too many, especially in harsh dressing room lighting. I'd had too many times where I'd felt completely fine about myself until I tried something on in a Nordstrom dressing room only to feel like a complete monster by the time I walked out. So with that I began purchasing from Nordstrom exclusively online. I could then try something on in the comfort of my own home and then simply bring it back to the store or ship it back. Yes, the environmental footprint isn't great on this, which was pointed out to me when Zoë noticed how often I was buying and returning items from Nordstrom... I've stopped doing that; however I simply traded this addiction for a perhaps slightly better-suited system for this: resale sites like Depop & Poshmark. I can resell items with a few clicks of a button. I'm not sure if this is better or just enables my addiction… but here's my closet of items and, as you can see, several Reposhed items if you want anything. + some items I got at a sample sale. + Depop where I have even more.
3. Focusing on others, to avoid dealing with myself- Being insanely loyal seems like an enviable trait, but you can count on me to take it to an extreme. I once called a friend on the hour-long walk uptown to an important doctor's appointment. When I arrived at the doctor's office, I couldn't bring myself to cut my friend off mid-story, so I just missed the appointment. That's an extreme example from my early (okay late) twenties. I've since improved, but for reference, that's the level of commitment to friendships (people pleasing) you could expect from me… I learned the hard way that taking care of your own needs is actually the most attractive thing you can do. It makes people trust you. People respect people who respect themselves, so turns out the ultimate way to people-please is to take care of what you need to, then give whatever is left to others, not the reverse.
4. People who are inconsistent – I hope all of you have people in your life who are consistent. When those people show up for me I am of course grateful, but I rarely feel a high from it. But perhaps you have people who you can't quite tell how they feel about you, hearing from them is rare, and so each time you see them, like Groce Out… it's uncertain… it can go either way… making it highly addictive. When people from that category give me an ounce of attention, it's like the classic If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I become a scrounger: they gave me a crumb—let me make a meal out of that.
Something I've been doing that helps with this is to pretend they don't like me. When Crystal suggested I try this mental exercise, I felt grief until I felt… better. In theory it helps me to refrain from subconsciously performing in a way to get their approval or at least their attention. Attempting to control their perception of me is another attempt to fill my void, but guessing how someone feels about me is a distracting waste of mental energy. (I wrote more on this dynamic here).
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If there's a through line here, it is that most of these tendencies stem from an attempt to find control in chaos. To distract from the crippling uncertainty surrounding us. In the 12 step program I've gone to for the last several years, I heard someone say, the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection.
I was told by my first therapist, Dr. Peggy, that my personality was a “highly addictive” one. The more details I divulged, the more labels she’d give me over the course of our sessions; she called me an extremist, an idealist, and a romantic. She explained how addictive habits allow us to escape uncomfortable feelings, and the purpose of therapy was to learn to tolerate a broader spectrum of emotions.
I read a passage about this misguided attempt for comfort from Sasha Tozzi during this episode,
“Addiction (to anything) is fueled by a massively dysregulated nervous system. It is not a character flaw, but rather a survival mechanism that alerts us to the presence of unmet needs.”
Since I can’t always be regulated, the best I can do is diversify my coping mechanisms. Melissa Broder, who has been sober for 17 years, says we all escape sometimes, as she put in this interview,
“There are so many things that are addictive besides drugs and alcohol. Limerence is definitely one that I used to try to fill a spiritual hole. I think most of us have it. And there's a million things you can use to fill it. Validation. Success. Achievement. Approval. Romance. Buying candy at 7-Eleven. It's infinite.”
The below episodes with Cale Tyson and Danielle LaPorte cover these topics of addiction, connection and control. They couldn't be more different as people but I really enjoyed both conversations and I hope you do too.
Katie
#418 CALE REMEMBERS HIS THOUGHTS: CALE TYSON ON REHAB, RECOVERY & OUR NEIGHBORHOOD FEELING LIKE HIGH SCHOOL...
Cale Tyson is a musician originally from Texas, now living in LA. He came by and we talked about what he was like in high school, self-mythologizing, being allergic to earnestness…all before getting into how he ended up going to rehab last summer. He honestly explains what got him to that point with his trademark combo of self-deprecation and earnest humor. He's a real gentle, sweet guy who makes me laugh and surprised me with a bunch of wisdom in this.
#419 WHAT YOU RUN FROM CHASES YOU: DANIELLE LAPORTE ON SELF-HELP EXHAUSTION, NON-DUALITY AS A CREATIVE ACT, AND DISCIPLINE
Danielle LaPorte is an author and poet living in Vancouver, Canada. She has a way of articulating esoteric concepts in a way that goes down real easy for me, always has. We spoke about how non-duality is a creative act, self forgiveness vs self discipline, and how I discovered her in 2013 and her memory of that day. She quotes Krishnamurti saying “discipline is a tool that numbs the mind,” and we discus our tendency to take on too much, and much more. I've been reading her books for years and this is her second time on the podcast.
HOUSEKEEPING ANNOUNCEMENTS
-You may remember Sam Burton as one of the two tarot readers from this letter? Cale recommended Sam as the next guest so he'll be on soon; in the meantime sharing this if you'd like to help.
-After months of dragging my feet, I made a list of all of the codes we have discounts for. + here’s the: Book shelf // Shop with shelves // of recommendations // General Store
Thanks so much for reading—forward it along to anyone you think may like this or the episodes.
I will leave you with a quote about the void from So Sad Today:
“There aren't many ways to find comfort in this world. We must take it where we can get it, even in the darkest, most disgusting places. Nobody asks to be born. No one signs a form that says, ‘You have my permission to make me exist’. Babies are born, because parents feel that they themselves are not enough. So, parents, never condemn us for trying to fill our existential holes, when we are but the fruit of your own vain attempts to fill yours. It's your fault we're here to deal with the void in the first place.”
* Do you want to talk more about where you’re escaping to, the projects or tasks you're avoiding or procrastinating as a result? Let's talk about it… sometimes the best guide isn't the person 80 steps ahead but the person one step away from you who can just turn around to say, 'hey watch out for that rock!" Book a creative supportive session with me here…
images:
one: GE Choose Your Escape Route Portable Stereo Tape Players 1981 Vintage Print Ad
two: still from My Dinner With Andre (1981)
three: baby idealist, extremist, romantic, 1996-ish by my mom probably
picture of Cale by: Jacob Boll // picture of Danielle: by Janine Therese