Thank you for sharing this, Katie. I'm not usually a commenter, but your essay truly spoke to the experience (at least my experience) of the none linear ED recovery and self discovery process. I am going to be 40 in two weeks, have two little girls, and I have periods of strong recovery and periods where I can't believe I'm back in the muck. I've been walking this road for 26 years which has included many different periods of recovery and struggle. When I revert to the weird food behaviors and over identification with my body, I KNOW intellectually that I am not thriving. But still, I find myself there at times. I still cycle through what you are sharing, and I'm beginning to realize that maybe this is part of my journey. I have spent many years comparing where I am to where I want to be hoping to be inspired to just get rid of this shit, and unfortunately, this strategy has left me feeling like a failure. Now, I'm just trying to approach this as a process and part of my journey- one that I can't write the ending to. In Laura McKowen's book "Push off from Here" she says, "it's unfair that this is your thing- but this IS your thing". Acceptance that this part of me will always need extra attention has been helpful. I learn something important through all of these cycles, and I am grateful to have a team of people who help me to pull me back up when I stumble (when I let them in- I don't always want to do that per the way this whole thing works.) There is data to support that the ani brain is actually different when imaged which makes so much sense in why/how there are ebbs and flows continuously in this process. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone (and thank you for letting me know I'm not alone!). Big Hugs XO
I could have easily written this myself, in fact, at times I could almost predict the words that came next. Thank you for sharing, especially at a time where I too, struggle. Very similar disordered eating/mental history. I am in my early 40s now, and have struggled since my teens, also thinking by 30 I would be "A normal eater". some days it is so exhausting and painful I just want to stay in bed and avoid the world, other days it feels much more manageable. One thing I know for certain, although I may be at a "healthy" weight now, acceptance is still a struggle and daily battle. I want to be free of the thoughts, the guilt, the constant overanalyzing. I want to be happy and enjoy life. I want to do things that do not revolve around thoughts of food or calories or exercise. Thank you for the sharing your story and making me feel not so alone
Thank you for your honest reflections and admirable vulnerability. I too am struggling with a flair up of ED thinking, ignited by a glimpse of my weight on my medical records. A few months ago I decided to go vegan after years of being a vegetarian, and I wonder how much of that decision was prompted by a need to restrict certain food groups and have "permission" for tightening my controls around food - again. I began my ED journey at the age of 20 and I am now 67. I get frustrated with myself for allowing the culture to define beauty; I know better. Your writing was a balm, as I it let me know that I am not alone. I am very, very grateful for you!
Woah 🤍 Similar to Helena’s comment, thank you for your vulnerability and allowing for others to feel seen through your truth. It can feel like a never ending cycle of triumphs and challenges, yet we continue to do better as best we can.
Thanks for this one Katie! It's a beautiful piece that make me feel less alone in being human and going back and forth on my minds favorite chew toys (thinking I'm "done" and then remembering, oh, yeah, I'm human, I'll never be done). It inspired me to keep writing myself too so thank you love!
Thank you for sharing this, Katie. I'm not usually a commenter, but your essay truly spoke to the experience (at least my experience) of the none linear ED recovery and self discovery process. I am going to be 40 in two weeks, have two little girls, and I have periods of strong recovery and periods where I can't believe I'm back in the muck. I've been walking this road for 26 years which has included many different periods of recovery and struggle. When I revert to the weird food behaviors and over identification with my body, I KNOW intellectually that I am not thriving. But still, I find myself there at times. I still cycle through what you are sharing, and I'm beginning to realize that maybe this is part of my journey. I have spent many years comparing where I am to where I want to be hoping to be inspired to just get rid of this shit, and unfortunately, this strategy has left me feeling like a failure. Now, I'm just trying to approach this as a process and part of my journey- one that I can't write the ending to. In Laura McKowen's book "Push off from Here" she says, "it's unfair that this is your thing- but this IS your thing". Acceptance that this part of me will always need extra attention has been helpful. I learn something important through all of these cycles, and I am grateful to have a team of people who help me to pull me back up when I stumble (when I let them in- I don't always want to do that per the way this whole thing works.) There is data to support that the ani brain is actually different when imaged which makes so much sense in why/how there are ebbs and flows continuously in this process. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone (and thank you for letting me know I'm not alone!). Big Hugs XO
as someone with a similar brain interior I thank you for sharing this and making me feel a bit more "normal," even if it's not capital N "Normal"
I could have easily written this myself, in fact, at times I could almost predict the words that came next. Thank you for sharing, especially at a time where I too, struggle. Very similar disordered eating/mental history. I am in my early 40s now, and have struggled since my teens, also thinking by 30 I would be "A normal eater". some days it is so exhausting and painful I just want to stay in bed and avoid the world, other days it feels much more manageable. One thing I know for certain, although I may be at a "healthy" weight now, acceptance is still a struggle and daily battle. I want to be free of the thoughts, the guilt, the constant overanalyzing. I want to be happy and enjoy life. I want to do things that do not revolve around thoughts of food or calories or exercise. Thank you for the sharing your story and making me feel not so alone
Love your work Katie 💛
I would love for you to share your list!
Love you, Katie!!!! 💓💓💓
Thank you so much for sharing, Katie!!
I’m on that body imagine/food roller coaster at almost 40, that started in grade school.
This is incredibly relatable. I have a lot of shame surrounding it, so it’s such a relief hearing another’s story that is so familiar.
Please share more, including your list! I love a good list full of meaningful things.
Much love! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for your honest reflections and admirable vulnerability. I too am struggling with a flair up of ED thinking, ignited by a glimpse of my weight on my medical records. A few months ago I decided to go vegan after years of being a vegetarian, and I wonder how much of that decision was prompted by a need to restrict certain food groups and have "permission" for tightening my controls around food - again. I began my ED journey at the age of 20 and I am now 67. I get frustrated with myself for allowing the culture to define beauty; I know better. Your writing was a balm, as I it let me know that I am not alone. I am very, very grateful for you!
And thank you for sharing this, I’m so sorry for all the space it’s taken up in your mind, you sound so self aware and wise even though it’s hard
Woah 🤍 Similar to Helena’s comment, thank you for your vulnerability and allowing for others to feel seen through your truth. It can feel like a never ending cycle of triumphs and challenges, yet we continue to do better as best we can.
Thanks for this one Katie! It's a beautiful piece that make me feel less alone in being human and going back and forth on my minds favorite chew toys (thinking I'm "done" and then remembering, oh, yeah, I'm human, I'll never be done). It inspired me to keep writing myself too so thank you love!