so, i'm in love...

a tale as old as time.

Katie Dalebout

Feb 16, 2025

Heart-object Action, Bogdanka Poznanovic (1970)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I thought I’d take this holiday to write about the subject I know best:
long term romantic relationships!

jk…

it’s about breakups.

duh.

Today’s list contains all I’ve learned from crushes, endings, time alone, time together, and a decade in therapy processing it all. Plus some advice from the nearly 700 interviews I’ve done for the podcast (my longest term relationship).

As Mary Schmich says,

“Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.”

So take what is useful, leave the rest, and feel free to leave your advice too!

ALL I KNOW ABOUT LOVE (so far):

Don’t take people’s changing capacity personally. Consistency can create intimacy, so it’s inevitable that it feels jarring when a cadence changes, especially if I don’t know why. Historically, I’ve spiraled fearing I did something wrong or they no longer find me interesting, etc., and while that has been the case, often the shift has nothing to do with me. I may hear from them eventually or I may reach out and try to repair, regardless it feels sad, whether I know why or not.
Boundaries prevent friction. We think we want to be on top of each other, but often space in relationships helps us to show up as the best versions of ourselves. A valuable lesson Crystal helped me articulate.
A crush is just a lack of information. An idea of a person without the mundanity of 3D life is alluring, but not real. If I linger in a crush phase too long without spending enough time with someone, they become a concept—which is harder to let go of than reality. I know this, yet I still feel an emptiness where the crush was when it ends. I’ve learned to try to fill that mental space with something positive, like learning a new skill.
Kill the hope. Moving on from ambiguous relationships means letting go of the potential—and reminding myself it never was. But in having thought about what could have been, I realize what I do want. And I’m now left with a longing, but it’s better than hanging around someone who doesn’t like you back, even if it feels better to have someone than no one at first. It might take a while to finally do this, I have no room to judge on this one… eventually your friends will force you to cut it off (if they’re good friends, and if not, we gotta get you new friends).
A blip for one person may be big for the other. A few years ago after something ended, months after I was still thinking about it. I mentioned to Deenie how ashamed I felt about that because I knew for the other person it was merely a blip. That disproportionate feeling felt embarrassing, so I was comforted when she said, just because something was tiny for one person, doesn't mean it's insignificant for the other. It depends on our past relationships, attachment styles, etc.
Processing speeds may vary. Similarly, if one person has seemingly moved on completely, their feelings may be waiting for them—or maybe they are actually just quicker to let go. There is no timeline or formula for feeling better, although I desperately wanted one.
It’s cool if you feel like a raw nerve, sensitive to everything for a while. Breakups often mean losing consistency and comfort. They make us feel unsettled for a while. Looking back at some of mine, I was so open, that it made me more in touch with the feelings of everyone I met in a way I kind of liked.
Even within a terrible dynamic there are parts that are fun. If it was bad in every way, the choice would be clear. That’s rarely the case; most situations are complex and nuanced. I was feeling nostalgic for a tumultuous dynamic after it ended, and while I logically knew that was for the best, Maddie pointed out that the relationship had added some very much-needed levity to my life.
Set & keep a boundary to not speak to them.Historically I’ve been horrible at this. Throughout a relationship, we are gluing ourselves to the other person. Breaking up means ripping ourselves from the other stitch by stitch. This stings and each time we communicate, we start at 0 with the stitches. Talking to them prolongs the unstitching (moving on).
1. No Contact? Maybe ask a friend if you can text them the silly / mundane updates you’d send to the person you broke up with? The memes need a place to go!
2. Be friends? I think we can, but first we need time and space to reset how we interact with each other outside of existing as a couple. I learned the hard way that often we interact, touch, tease, and communicate differently platonically, but time and distance can allow patterns to shift… and sometimes it can’t… and that’s okay.
So much of life is timing. I’ve known people for years where a friendship with them never “took”—meaning we remained acquaintances until someone had an empty space. Alternatively, anytime I’ve attempted to become closer with someone it doesn’t happen. It’s only when I let go of an outcome, show up more as myself, that I connect (romantically and platonically).
Love is not enough. It was easy for me to realize chemistry is important but you can’t have that alone in a relationship. But learning that love alone isn’t enough to make it work either was tough to wrap my brain around. The breakup I’m talking about in the clips episode was the first time I learned that although we both loved each other, we were not a fit. That is a roughhhh pill to swallow and worth grieving, especially the first time it happens.
Find new anchors. After a breakup a therapist advised me to create as many new anchors as I could—this could include: habits, routines, structures, and places.
Order of operations. Examining mistakes you made during the relationship and how you'd do things differently in the future is useful, although it doesn't need to be done immediately. Sister Corita Kent says,
“Don’t try to create and analyze at the same time. They’re different processes.”
The initial change is unsettling and therefore, for the first weeks, you require extra gentleness—I call this part the soothing phase (I made an entire zine for it here). I found this necessary before moving onto the next phase, solving, where I could unpack the lessons of the relationship. Both are valuable, but separate processes that don’t have to happen congruently.
Growth, learning, expansion, newness. Those can all happen but not while it’s super fresh… Eventually, we all move on, begin again. We might compare everyone new to our last ex, until we don’t anymore, and maybe we notice how much we’ve changed since the last relationship (the solve kit part).

Once upon a time…

I was the type of heartbroken where I had an inability to discuss much else.
I’d get into a taxi, saying,
“8th between 1st and 2nd Ave please.”
Then after 20 minutes in traffic, emerge from the cab saying,
“Thanks for listening and telling me about your divorce Gerald!”

So, unsurprisingly, the topic bled into the podcast, so much so that by the end of that year I was able to make an entire breakups-themed clips episode. A through-line echoed in each clip was how breakups are potent times for personal growth, so I aggregated all of the advice I gleaned after that particularly tricky breakup 6 years ago into a zine called: Break Up, Not Down.

I only printed a few copies, but now, years later, people still find it in zine shops and ask me if I have more. I had to say no, but not anymore…. not only have I printed more copies… I updated it!

So if you or anyone you know would like a copy you can get one here or if you become a new paid subscriber I will send you one!

*If you just had a breakup (just is relative—see #6) I hope the cracks let in opportunity, expansion, and space for your dreams to come true. But, if it takes a while for this to feel fruitful… that’s okay.

TBH 6 years after writing that zine, I too, may be waiting and wonder if I actually…. Broke Down, Not Up?

I’m still working on flaws that were brought to the surface back then. Relationships are mirrors showing us where we can grow, and that breakup showed me several. But the cliché, wherever you go there you are, applies to relationship dynamics too. I will fall into an old pattern with a new person, but I’m quicker to notice and improve.

Breaking up and down, together, are what leads to change. I’m still under construction and I will always be. So rather than dwell on what hasn’t improved since the original zine printing, I’ll do what the self-help gurus, amateur advice-givers, and good friends would say to do: focus on what has…

I broadened my definition of love. I attempt to be as present as I can be with the people in front of me. I prioritize people, because the work will be there people may not. I try to communicate more directly and honestly, even though it’s hard for me, because I know it’s the best option.

I learned all of this through trial and error. The only way to be better is to practice… which means running into the fire… giving it all I’ve got and when old habits come up, know I’m capable of growth, and do better next time.

See you Thursday the 27th in LA?
Hope so! RSVP here.

Love,

katie