Once upon a breakup, tale as old as time...
10 things I learned about endings, crushes, therapy, and generally gooey feelings
Once I was the type of heartbroken where I had an inability to discuss much else. I’d get into a taxi, saying, “8th between 1st and 2nd Ave” and get out saying, “thanks for telling me about your divorce Gerald.” So, unsurprisingly, the topic bled into the podcast, enough for me to make an entire breakups-themed clips episode by the end of that year—which I re-aired this week.
It’s always difficult to hear a past version of myself and I picked apart much of what I said, but each guest’s advice felt as comforting today as it did then. A through-line echoed in each clip, was how breakups are potent times for personal growth. So I ask myself, now 5 years in the future… were they right? Did I grow?
My life has changed, but honestly, I’m still working on things that were brought to the surface back then. So, when I saw most of my friends post about their significant others on Valentine’s Day, I felt a sting from still being single in my 30s. As a hopeless romantic, I’ve loved this Hallmark holiday regardless of if I’ve been in a romantic relationship or not, but this year, it felt like a switch flipped.
The best way I can describe how it felt is as if suddenly all my peers had gotten into a college I didn’t have the grades to attend, and therefore I would be left behind in our age bracket while they advanced forward. I may catch up but will now always be on a separate timeline. This uncomfortable gnawing shame of, “yikes, did I miss doing the societal thing everyone does by a certain age? Is something wrong with me?” only lasted a few hours.
I was knocked out of it when, I spoke to one of my close friends who’d unexpectedly lost a parent earlier this year. The way she’s been articulating her grief has been incredibly beautiful to witness. She said, this loss has taught her to broaden her definition of love. Hearing this reminded me … I have several significant others.
And while I wish I had improved more than I have since that episode, I’m around a lot of love, even, while I’m still under construction. I will always aim to grow, so rather than dwell on what hasn’t improved, I’ll do what the self-help gurus, amateur advice-givers, and good friends would say to do: focus on what has:
I made friends in a new city. I set boundaries and learned that keeping space in dynamics can help prevent friction…and well I learned a bunch…
Today’s list contains most of what I learned about breakups. I hope reading it feels like a warm blanket for your heart.
Take what you want, leave the rest. Tell me what helps you or send this to a friend who is mid-breakup.
And if your heart is broken, congratulations! I hope the cracks in your tender heart let in all the richness, opportunity, expansion, and creativity you desire. Also know that it's okay if it's just sad right now and if it takes a while for this transition to feel fruitful.
Breakups are a form of grief. It is a different type of grief from the death of a loved one but we are experiencing a form of the grieving cycle—which looks different for everyone. Something else Maddie mentioned she learned is to tell the people around her that she loves them, so I told my SOs.
And I’ll tell you:
Love you,
KD
ALL I KNOW ABOUT BREAKUPS (SO FAR):
This is not advice, just what I learned. As the “Sunscreen Song” says,
“Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.”
Find new anchors- During the breakup I refer to in the clips episode, my life was in a malleable place. I’d recently left a full-time job to jump off the cliff into supporting myself exclusively as a freelancer. And soon after that the pandemic hit. I kept making the joke: "I was already feeling weird and now we all are." Since I didn’t have anything constant to grab onto, I missed the relationship more. I was advised by a therapist to create as many anchors as I could—this could include: community, habits, routines, and places.
No Contact: How? Why?- Historically I’ve been horrible at this. However, it would have helped me move on quicker if that wasn’t the case. Basically you’ve been gluing yourself to this person throughout your relationship. Now you are ripping yourself apart stitch by stitch. This hurts and each time you communicate with them, you start at 0 with the stitches. My friend Isabel told me about this and I found it so useful to think about how it’s okay to talk to them, but it slows the process of moving on.
If they contact you, what to do…maybe have a plan for self-preservation?
If you mess up that’s okay. Communicate that you need to set a boundary and stop talking to them for a while. Maybe ask a friend if you can text them the silly / mundane bits you’d usually send to them.
Be friends? - I believe you can but first you need time and space to reset how you interact with each other outside of existing as a couple. You may interact, touch, tease, and communicate differently platonically than you did romantically, so time and distance can allow deep rooted patterns to shift.
A blip for one person, may be big for the other- A few years ago when something that wasn’t quite a relationship ended, I was still thinking about it and processing it for months after. I mentioned to Deenie how ashamed I felt about that, and how I knew for the other person it was merely a blip, but for me, it was a big deal. That disproportionate feeling felt embarrassing. She said, just because something was tiny for one person, doesn't mean it's insignificant for the other, and that's okay. It depends our past relationships, attachment styles, etc.
Processing speeds may vary- There is no formula for feeling better and I could hear in my voice listening back to those clips that I desperately wanted one. All you can do is take what’s comforting or inspiring from the advice people give you, and leave the rest. Whatever you do, don't compare your timeline of moving on to your ex’s or to how long it took anyone else. Even if one person appears to be having fun, rather than sad, their feelings may be waiting for them.
Kill the hope- Moving on from in-between relationships, means letting go of the potential—and reminding yourself it never was. But in having thought about what could have been, you then realize you do want it. And now you are left with that desire.
A Crush lacks info- I know a crush is just a lack of information, yet I still feel the emptiness where the crush was when it ends. I’ve learned to try to fill that mental space it with something positive, like learning a new skill. If you linger in a crush phase without getting to the mundanity of spending enough time with a person to see their inevitable flaws, it can almost be harder to let go of your idea of them, than it is to let go of a real life relationship, leading to limerence.
Love is not enough- It was easy for me to realize chemistry is important but you can’t have that alone in a relationship. But learning that love alone, isn’t enough to make it work, was tough to wrap my brain around. The breakup I’m talking about in the clips episode was the first time I saw that although we both loved each other, we were not a fit. That is a sad and worth grieving, especially the first time. It taught me to look for other aspects of a partner, like consistency.
Contempt, 1963 Feeling like a raw nerve, sensitive to everything for a while- This is a form of grief: you’re experiencing the loss of comfort and connection. It’s a big change.
Order of operations- Examining mistakes you made in the relationship and how you'd do things differently in the future, is useful, although it doesn't need to be done immediately. Sister Corita Kent says, “Don’t try to create and analyze at the same time. They’re different processes.” I believe it’s similar with breakups where, first you take time to soothe yourself before you begin to solve (ie. examine what went wrong and how you can learn from it.) The initial change is jarring and therefore, for the first few weeks, you may require extra gentleness, and perhaps even assistance from professionals. I call this part the soothing phase (I made an entire zine for it here with what to do each day). I found coping and soothing necessary before moving onto the next phase, which I call the solving, where you unpack the lessons of the relationship. Both are valuable, but separate processes that don’t have to happen congruently.
Growth, learning, expansion, newness- Those can all happen but not while it’s fresh… let it take time. Eventually, we all move on, begin again, and start dating. Maybe you compare everyone new to your last ex, until you don’t anymore. More in the solve kit part of the zines…preview below…
A FEW SECTIONS FROM THE ZINE I MADE BACK THEN:
Since I’m obviously not an expert, I wanted to get some takes on the topic of heartbreak from people who are. So this section is where I asked professionals about being the initiator of the breakup vs. being broken up with, divorce, and recovery.
On grief, loss, and change
“Breakups can cause you to question everything you thought to be true. Whether you are initiating the breakup, being broken up with, or in a situation where both partners mutually agree the relationship needs to end, you are moving through a massive life transition. Transitions, even when healthy, bring many feelings with them. These feelings require time, presence, patience, vulnerability, and courage to move through. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the partnership. Remember this is temporary, and space is being cleared for experiences, opportunities, and people to come through that are even more aligned with the truth of who you are.”
— Brooke Novick, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
On food and body image during heartbreak
“The times we go through heartbreak can make us more vulnerable to old patterns re-emerging and even turning against ourselves, so from my perspective, these difficult experiences are moments to reach out for more support and learn to practice self-compassion while we do the work of healing our heart. Sometimes with food, this also means going back to more structured eating and relying less on hunger/fullness cues in service of recovery, until we feel more emotionally stable again.."
— Anastasia Nevin MS, RDN, CEDRD-S, RYT
On being the breaker vs. “breakee”
“I think that the distinction is that the one who breaks the relationship is learning to make boundaries. The one who receives the break up is learning to love themselves no matter what. On either side when you know that a relationship is no longer healthy, discovering how to say goodbye may also be discovering how to say hello to healthy boundaries."
— Dr. Rachel Hott, MMT, PhD
On divorce
“Divorce creates a kind of pain that can lessen over time but never really goes away fully. So, before making the decision to divorce, do everything you can to try and make the marriage more loving and fulfilling. That said, for the adults involved—the liberation from an unhealthy dynamic and the chance to have later chapters in life can make divorce the best decision a couple can make. Most importantly, if there are children in the mix, know that they will have both emotional pain and resilience. Be there for them.”
— Lisa Spiegel, MA, Licensed Mental Health Counselor
More advice on showing up for therapy in an article I wrote for The Fullest
Another excerpt called: TEXTS THAT HELPED
A list of helpful texts I got that I think are true regardless of the situation.
“You literally do not know what will happen and thinking about the past or the future, what if or what could be, causes unnecessary anxiety. It’s ok and normal to feel sad and miss him. Just trust that you WILL be ok and so many people love you. Try to do fun things right now even if they don’t sound like fun.” - my cousin Jenny Ganakas
“Unfortunately, I believe that the passage of time is our greatest companion in a post-breakup world. But in the meantime, listen to Sinéad O’Connor’s version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” on repeat until you’re exhausted from crying your eyeballs out, then go chop off your hair, color it blonde, or change your scent, your lipstick, anything—something to distinguish yourself from You Then to You Now. Buy something that makes you feel beautiful and then get on with your life. It will get easier eventually, I promise.” - Deenie Herzog-Mislock
“You will never be more magnetic than you are when you leave a relationship that's no longer serving you. I mean, it's like the universe just wants to send you so many bones. Even if it's delayed a little bit because you're afraid to be alone or you're afraid to go through this process or you're financially connected or whatever that might be - once you're able to do it, magnetism will set in.” - Lacy Phillips
“I know exactly how you’re feeling in this grief and it’s such a catch 22 because you need to not feel alone and you also need to be alone and go through the grief.” - Brigitte Sacco
“This is really pushing you further onto your authentic path, which is beautiful and fucking painful. You’re so magnetic for honoring your needs.” - Brooke Novick
ACTION TO-DO:
Who is someone you could text right now to check in on? Tell them you’re thinking of them and you care.
A big part of the zine is music recommendations… here’s a part of that…
BREAKUPS & MUSIC
It can feel like you are the only one who has ever felt this before, but in reality nearly everyone has. It’s what some of the best art is born out of.
In 2014, Josh Radnor wrote an article for The Rumpus called Dear Damien Rice’s seminal 2012 Album O. In it, he talks about his relationship to the album and how we make deep connections between music and intense times in our lives. He remembers actually removing a headphone to make people listen to “O” the year he discovered it after going through a particularly rough breakup.
He sent me. the article after I told him I’d broken up with my boyfriend. I realized I’d actually already read it years before, but back then I didn’t relate to the way he articulated the feeling of heartbreak as:
“...something vital to my physical and emotional well-being had been surgically removed as if I was suddenly missing a leg.”
I hadn’t yet felt that, but now, I viscerally understood the intense sensation and how music can be extra potent when you’re in a hyper-emotional state. […]
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….If you want to read more of this, and dosed out day-by-day, that’s in the soothe kit or if you’re past the raw nerve phase move on to part 2: the solve kit. If you are a tactile person and would like a printed copy of the zine, they are available at some shops in NYC and LA but email me, we are hoping to print more soon.
[Re-air] Clips Episode
LIVE IN LA Workshop this Sunday (!!)
Thanks for reading it means so much. I really hope to see you in person tomorrow! at Noto! : ) if you’re in town! and talk soon… in the meantime you know where to find me!
