making a wishlist, checking it twice...

thoughts on desire

Dec 12, 2024

“You never know what a woman really wants because she’s always being told what she wants.” - Deborah Levy’s Real Estate (2021)

I like when my therapist gives me homework. I prefer a solution-oriented session, rather than merely venting for the hour. One recent assignment was to figure out ways a twist in my plan had challenged me, another was to consider my role in a difficult family dynamic.

I was able to complete those by the next session no problem, but the next assignment took me months. While it hadn’t felt necessary before, this one felt like it required a ceremonial-grade contemplation session, i.e., journaling, distraction-less time to meander, preferably on a plane.

This never happened, so, for weeks I opened each session saying, “well I didn’t have time again…”

The assignment was simple, and to be honest, it wasn’t an assignment at all, just a question. During a session she asked me, “What do you want?”

We sat in silence for several minutes while I tried to come up with something… until finally…she broke it with, “Well that’s our time… something to think about until next week.”

Leave it to me to turn a question into pretend homework, but like real assignments I procrastinated on this too. It wasn’t even my first rodeo with this line of questioning. 3 years ago my close friend Crystal (a wise sibling-like advisor in my life) asked me, “What do you want your life to look like when you’re 50?”

Again, I had nothing…I hadn’t thought that far… Unfortunately it’s a question that only I can answer, although I longed for someone to tell me.

Without clarity around where I’m headed, and at least a little belief that it’s possible to get there, I’m like a ship without a rudder.

Voltaire said, “God punishes the vague wish but rewards the specific ask.”

I agree, clarity is useful, so why did I still not know what I wanted? When I was younger I was crystal clear, and in fact, it’s a case study for ambition’s ability to “work” in the sense that I achieved the goals I set back then. I knew in high school that I wanted to go to college, study journalism, publish a book, move to NYC, travel… and I did.

But now… I’m not sure what I want and I wonder why?

Perhaps it’s because there’s a narrowing of what is feasible now, compared to the seemingly infinite possibilities I had in my early twenties?

Or because collectively the future feels bleak, even in media the utopian visions of the past have been replaced by dystopian imaginaries. And the financial stability that enabled parts of previous generations to experiment creatively, thanks to lower living costs, higher wages, and more free time has now dissolved. Now, financial pressures have moved art, creative hobbies, and innovation to a realm where their financial viability dictates how long you can keep them up. With less of a buffer to figure it out, projects feel too risky, and therefore the future feels narrower, less vibrant, and harder to imagine with joy.

But does why even matter? Lately it seems like our culture is good at diagnosing but bad at prescribing, integrating, and action. Similarly, the self-help industry (which I’ve been part of) seems to over-emphasize awareness and focus much less on tangible action, and while self-awareness is necessary, it’s not sufficient. I’m certainly part of this—I’m much better at the former than the latter.

I’ll even split awareness into two forms: the more popular type right now, we’ll call “baggage-awareness” (think trauma, roadblocks, past, etc.). The less in-vogue but equally important type, we’ll call “destination-awareness” (think hopes and dreams, future, etc.). Currently I’m overflowing in “baggage” but lack a “destination.”

I still have the ambition I had when I was younger, but I haven’t defined a new destination because I’m scared I won’t be able to achieve it now with all of the baggage I’ve now become aware of. So what I think actually blocks me from defining what I want is: awareness. Awareness of my limitations is preventing me from trying, but that’s no way to live. Striving for anything, even if failure is likely, feels better than stagnation, yet choosing what to strive toward feels stressful because after deciding we’re more susceptible to disappointment.

Or as Buddhist psychologist Mark Epstein writes:

“To desire is threatening to the status quo…because the conditioned self starts to break down under pressure from the desiring self, we may be afraid of naming our desire even to ourselves, afraid of allowing ourselves to desire for fear of becoming suddenly unacceptable and alone, unsure of how we will be received. Desire can seem very dangerous.”

It took me so long to define my desires because I wanted to shield myself from the responsibility that comes with trying to achieve them—a pursuit that is uncomfortable. It will require me to let go of the short-term pleasures I get from the choices that block me from what I want.

With clear desires I’m more likely to make new positive routines that move me towards them, whereas without direction I tend to justify behaviors that keep me stuck.

My aversion to defining what I desire is not special to me… as Anne Boyd said here,

“For years I had a vague yearning, for what I didn’t know. It took me a long time to figure that out, and a lot of solitude and writing. But then to start saying out loud what I wanted—that was a whole other thing. Why is it so hard to want, to acknowledge our desires, and (God forbid) be frank about them?”

Still, though, Boyd ventured into the danger zone to define her desires and share them in an issue she wrote called, Desire and the Woman Writer. What she wanted wasn’t immediately clear for her either, like me, she needed time, but eventually, after solitude and writing she admitted what she wanted, not just to herself.

She shared her list of desires which included:

I want to feel good in my own body. I want to have a passionate love life. I want to feel alive in every part of me. I want to live somewhere in Europe (preferably Scotland). I want to have a cozy house by the sea.

The honesty and specificity in these inspired me to follow suit in the same public way. So, inspired by her, I will share mine. But first…

In case you’d like to do yours too, I’ll warn you of a few things about the process of finally writing a wishlist… once I got going, it was tough to stop…

Also, the more answers I listed, the more questions I had for myself like,
Who would I need to become in order to become someone who has what I want?
What are all the distractions blocking me?

While determining an answer to those questions can be useful, I try to believe life is a spiral and if we miss something we’re meant to have, it will come back around again when we’re ready. If that’s true, then it doesn’t matter if we achieve goals on a list; its benefit is that it orients us, gets us moving, and pushes us to have experiences—to take action toward something, rather than talk about it.

It can help us break off from a cultural context that promotes sameness. Knowing what we uniquely want helps us see outside the obvious. Instead of swinging at the balls corporations toss at us through algorithms, we pitch our own.

And while it seems individualistic to make a personal list of desires, in making mine, I realized that I don’t want any of it alone in a vacuum; I want people and relationships and collaboration more than any of these wishes combined.

This is a welcomed shift from this era’s emphasis on self-actualization, which I worry creates a culture that is less social and that undervalues interconnectedness. Because for me, being useful to a friend is not just altruistic; I get a benefit from it too. And I fear a culture where we’re not mixing with each other is boring. If we’re not making mistakes together and expanding upon each other’s ideas, it keeps us stuck in a loop of regurgitations of what we see on screens, in everything from how we dress to how we set up our spaces.

Togetherness leads to compromise and new perspectives. I understand that the more intimately we know each other, the greater the risk—we open ourselves up for heartbreak, judgment, misunderstanding, and pain… but I’d take all of those over the alternative, which is safer, yet blocks us from feeling the full spectrum of emotion including love and joy. Would you?

If you make a list of what you want, think about who you want to share that with…because I realized the feelings I think these wishes will bring me only come true with people.

As much as I fear desire, I must fear apathy a bit more, at least enough to make this list. As promised my wishlist… + the distractions moving me further from my wishes.

DESIRES (WISHLIST):
Dear Santa,

I want what she’s having (Anne Boyd) or my version, which is…

to continue to live somewhere warm, have an outside space. Host movie nights. Host parties. And a separate inspiring light-filled place to go work, record, and write.

I want to collaborate with friends and strangers who become friends on creative projects and art. I want to have a writing partner. I want to make things in different mediums. I want more of the satisfying moments where I see a pattern or unlock something in a project. More completion, consistency and in-person events.

I want to travel and visit friends. I want to travel for work! I want to go on fun dates. I want to nurture relationships and have the emotional space to reconnect with others.

I want to wake up very early naturally and consistently. I want to be able to walk long distances like I did before. Feel physically well, age gracefully.

I want to find my style in interiors and clothing and be able to maintain it without the Ira Glass gap between ability and experience, or in my case, resources.

More consistency, support, discipline, opportunities, and skill development.

Less of the below, or better yet please remove the defaults in my character that give into the distractions.

And wave hi to Mrs. C and the elves…

DISTRACTIONS:

holding onto ideas or opportunities after they’ve evaporated, nostalgia, looking at time hop, regret, obsessing about friendships that have changed or ended completely, getting caught in buffering zone between tasks or activities, focusing too much on my appearance/what other people think of me, shopping, wormholes, vanity, people pleasing…

JOURNALING PROMPTS FOR GETTING WHAT YOU WANT:

desires:
- look at your wishlist… choose 1 (the one that feels most urgent or exciting to you).
- why do you want it? (keep asking yourself a total of 5 times to get to the root of why you want it and what you think having it will bring you.)
  - the “5 Whys Method” was developed in the 30s by Sakichi Toyoda, the founder of Toyota: it’s designed to help to get to the root of something.
- once you know why you want it… you can look at why you don’t have it yet…
distractions
- why do you have them? Why do you cling to them?
- can you remove them? one at a time? some at a time? will you notice if new ones pop up?

Thanks for reading!

We have a mailbag episode coming later this month, so I’d love to include some of your desires and distractions from them if you’d like to share. And if you have any questions about anything submit them here. Feel free to leave them here or record yourself asking here and we’ll play it on the episode!

Love,
KD

PS. My beloved Holiday workshops are now on sale and affordable : ) Let me know if you have any questions about them! ‘Tis the Season!

info here but basically here’s the gist:

Comfort & Journaling: This one is about how to handle holiday stress—like hosting, gifting, eating, and overcommitment.
Resolution Reframe: The word “resolution” has always rubbed me the wrong way, as it implies that we’ve done something wrong and need to resolve it, so I made this process as an alternative. I use it to reflect on 2024 and get clear on how I want to feel in 2025 through writing exercises.

Both workshops are recorded, allowing you to revisit the content annually. But I’m also open to leading #2 in person in LA if there’s enough interest, so LMK comment if you’d come. : ) More info in the holiday shop here.