can't go on, must go on.

a path forms if you walk ... (I hope...)

Only about 10 minutes into my 28-minute walk to get coffee, the podcast episode in my headphones ended. When my phone auto-played one I had already heard, I let it continue. Too groggy to reach into my tote to select a new one and too uneasy about the prospect of hearing my intrusive thoughts to walk in silence, I let the familiar episode soothe me.

Honestly it was closer to a commercial than an interview. Technically it was an episode of Marc Maron’s WTF but instead of the comedian’s usual format of a conversation with anyone from Obama to Laraaji, it was a promo for his paywalled content. I’m not a paid subscriber of his, but perhaps I should become one since, upon my impromptu second listen of merely this trailer, I was hooked enough to transcribe a portion of it, which I am now emailing to thousands of friends and strangers.

Maron said that material from interviews that got cut lives behind the paywall and, to prove it, he shared this clip, which didn’t make it into his episode with Jeremy Strong. Apparently Maron liked their banter on the way out so much that he had them return to his garage studio to record more (transcribed below).

They are talking about how as you get older, you realize there is no map to follow, you can no longer attempt to model yourself after those you idolize. Instead, you have to take a real inventory of your life and accept your current circumstances, your own advantages and limitations. You can take lessons from others and be expanded by them, but ultimately you must face where you are and decide to continue.

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Below is what they talk about next:

Strong: Have you ever read Richard Ford’s book, The Sports Writer?
Maron: No.
S: The Sports Writer is an incredible book. At the center of it is this idea of a person who learns to be within himself. Because there's a moment where if you're lucky and if you are in right relationship to your life, you start to be within yourself. And when you're within yourself, in a very simple, unremarkable way, it gives you a density.
M: Yeah!
S: …and a lot of my 20s and 30s were really about getting to a point where I had to let the fantasy of “making it” die. It became clear to me that I had to contend with my own life.
M: So, you had to let go of the idea of what it might look like in terms of life?
S: Yeah in terms of ever getting a chance to be fully exposed. I had to let go of the fantasy.
M: You had to get right sized.
S: Yeah and it's that thing of living at your level.
M: And then you can make yourself available for the…magic.
S: Well, ultimately somehow that is what happened. But I remember getting to a point where I had to decide… because it just wasn't happening. You know?
M: Dude, I know! Are you kidding me? I fucking know! I get it, that's when I started the podcast!
S: Right, yeah, so out of that desperation, in that moment, you either, give up or you commit… because you love this thing.
M: Or because it's too late to do anything else! Haha
S: Or because you're compelled…
M: But honestly because, it’s too late, like what else are you going to do?
S: Yeah exactly, what the fuck else am I going to do? Right, so then you have commitment without attachment to what it's going to look like.
M: Well, yeah, wow I had this exact thing, I started this podcast out of desperation: I couldn't sell tickets as a comic. My career was going nowhere. I didn't have dates on the books. I was twice-divorced, broke, and angry. I was suicidal. And, there comes a moment where you're staring down the barrel of a very disappointing life…
S: That is my biggest fear, an unlived life.
M: So, in that moment, you're like, “well, we're here so I have to keep going.”
S: Yeah. And the Beckett thing, “…can't go on, must go on.”
M: Right. You have to go on. The liberation in being honest with yourself, which is, annihilating your ego enough…
S: Yeah, I'm not going to get to do any of these things I hoped. But I'm going to try anyway, work hard, take risks and, in a sense, give up. And out of that, you know, welll it's sort of amazing…
M: Right.
S: I wouldn't necessarily call it surrender… because neither of us stopped working…but it’s uh…i don’t know?
M: I think, what it is, is: presence! It leads to that thing you were talking about from the book. You go inward…within yourself?
S: Yes, and then because you're present in that way, whatever magic you will summon is, is well… uh … summonable!
M: Right. Because now you’ve made space for things to come to you.
S: Yeah well I’m trying to.
M: You’re doing great man, thanks I think we got it.

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Maron saying his now catchphrase line, “Lock the Gates.” in Almost Famous

I particularly related to how when you let go of expectations, you become more present where you are, which often allows potential paths forward to begin to reveal themselves. And I liked how they spoke about the feeling of freedom in finally accepting where you are and deciding to continue from there.

By putting your car into drive and just moving, you are making progress because even if you go the wrong direction your GPS will reroute you, however if you keep the car in park you cannot be redirected, only stagnant.

Essentially, it’s the trope of the phoenix rising from the ashes or the idea of the dark before the dawn. But those analogies never resonated with me—because all the rock bottoms I’ve had haven’t been quite that dramatic. In the 12 Steps they have a phrase for this (they have a phrase for everything): a high bottom person.

Strong echoed this above when he pointed out that even at their worst, neither he or Maron, stopped working. Similarly, in my lowest periods, I’m functional, I’m working, showing up to events, and plans—so the lows drag on. I’ve often thought, ‘well if I’m not burning to the ground into ash, can I rise?’

If it’s not fully dark, can it become dawn?

Maybe not, but to hope for tragedy or terror just to make my bottom low enough, seem unwise. Better to begin rising from wherever we are and use any leg up we have. Perhaps it’s of a less rise and more of a climb? Less dramatic but still satisfying.

Let me know what you think: do you need to hit bottom to rise or what? (comment!)

When I feel behind my peers, I wish for a map or formula to follow. But as they said in the clip, all we can do is, “live at our level,” remain present where we are, commit without attaching to the outcome, handle the situation in front of us, rather than comparing it to one we’d hoped for.

Thanks for reading,
Katie

PS.
3 time sensitive things…
1. I’m having a garage sale with friends. I believe in making friends at garage sales. Here’s the info plus proof of wholesome fun.

katiedalebout

A post shared by @katiedalebout

2. Are you around on Tuesday at 4pm PST? Shari Foos, the founder of the Narrative Method is interviewing me. I’d love it if you could come. It’s live on Zoom, and here’s the link to rsvp. And if you missed my episode with Shari here’s that conversation.

3. Ozma shopping? After this garage sale when I sell all my clothes, that’s where I’m headed to buy some new ones… my code works all month: Katie15
   Join me in a beanie or grab one for you and yours.

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And in honor of garage sales, the 17 holiday markets that took place in my city alone today, gift guides, deals… I’ll leave you with the one thing I know how to do in terms of commerce…

”The only true currency in this bankrupt world is
what you share with someone else when you're uncool”

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top image: massive.archive

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