advice I gave myself
there’s collective momentum towards change rn, we might as well use it…
January 1, 2024
Los Angeles, CA
I used to lead a workshop every year around this time on my journaling process for reframing resolutions. The first time I led it was at a yoga studio in 2014, and in the decade since, I did it everywhere from Cap’s store in NYC to Kripalu—where I taught it annually. In 2020 that halted, so I made an online version of it.
I’ve repackaged it every year since (2023’s here). But in 2024 I can’t, not because it’s not useful, or relevant—but because for me, it's not exciting.
And even if I didn’t tell you that, you’d feel it.
Rick Rubin advises here to do the things that excite you. And whatever is most interesting to the maker is most interesting to their audience. I’ve experienced this even in my tiny corner of output.
That resolutions reframe workshop is merely a timely example of the broader topic: creative evolution.
I’ve been wrestling with this the last few years, so today my one resolution is: evolution > stagnation
Therefore, I must do (as Rubin says) what is interesting to me...so this year I will be more selfish about what I write here.
I aim to find the Venn diagram that suits both of our interests, but I will never actually know what you want from me, so I might as well do what I want and hope my enthusiasm for the topic can buoy it for you.
David Bowie once said,
“My work is always stronger when I get very selfish about it. All my big mistakes are when I try to please an audience.”
I’ve specified this a bit for myself recently to mean the following:
The specific is universal: The unique lens you see the world through is to be leaned into. The most distinctive, weirdest, individual ideas you have are where to double down.
Take it in, spit it out: As someone who is so malleable that I could easily slip into a cult if not careful, taking in inspiration from those I admire can morph into subconscious mimicking of whoever I admire. This has looked as embarrassing as picking up their mannerisms, catch phrases, or style. We’re heavily influenced by each other, but as I’ve learned the hard way, it’s our job to:
Diversify our inspirations, muses, friends, references, etc.
Take them in, digest them, run them through our own operating system, remix them, let them breathe, and then finally— let them go.
Integrate, before sharing: I have the habit of learning something new, then instantly wanting to share it with anyone. This is less about me improving their quality of life and more about me wanting to practice my new knowledge in a ‘to teach is to learn’ sort of way. This is fine in a casual context, but when publicly writing or speaking on wisdom I’ve gained from experience—it’s best to wait until new knowledge integrates. Or until I’m sharing my scars, not my open, gaping, wounds.
Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn’t, but this newsletter and Instagram have been sporadic at best recently. Because, in short, in sharing what is interesting and specific, I had to wait for some gashes to become scars.
That’s always fluid; we constantly have cuts in varying degrees while previous ones scab. But for now I will share some wisdom learned on the scar side of a few recent wounds.
FEELINGS I HAD & ADVICE I GAVE MYSELF LAST WEEK:
Put yourself on your front burner — When you feel like you aren’t anyone’s priority, prioritize yourself more; as the saying goes, ‘whatever is lacking in a current situation, you’re not giving.’
Feeling pulled like lonely Gumby — Keep a small circle, but a big network, it’s the only way to manage your energy and it’s your best shot at feeling closeness, connection, support and intimacy. My grandma always said, “you can count your true close friends on one hand only.” I rolled my eyes because I’ve always been a pals with everyone sort of gal. But the older I’ve gotten this means, I’m a close with no one sort of gal…
Crushes are crushing — Listen this feeling won’t last, a crush starts as euphoric and exhilarating. But once you realize imagining it, was better than experiencing it in reality it’s, well crushing. After it ends and you’re left with a gaping hole where all that potential was. And the hopeful fantasy and the possibility of what could have been that you’d built up in your brain… so in the aftermath of a crush comes a crash. In order to come up again, not as high but just to baseline, you must fill yourself with something else…
Try tenderness — The one thing I missed more than the crush feeling itself was the intimacy that came from telling the few friends I told about it. I was letting them see a real, honest, intimate part of myself I don’t usually show to anyone. This led to a feeling of being cared for, of teamwork even, like they were invested in the next part of the story of my life. I missed this feeling more than the crush feelings I’d told them about. I missed the tenderness I received in the aftermath of it, including the tenderness I gave to myself.
Admit to Attention — If I’m honest, perhaps actually I craved the attention I received through their empathy and understanding. And the bond it led to. What is it I’m taking away from this? Maybe that I’d like to find other ways to connect deeply with others? Maybe by becoming invested in the experiences they open up to me about, I can feel this connection again.
Being a doormat, and how not to be — The approach I’ve taken in my life so far has been the mantra, kill ‘em with kindness. Lately I’ve felt I’ve become a bit of a doormat in a way that feels like my own doing. I have been an active participant in not speaking up for my own needs, or pleasing people. I aim to shift this and to do so I must clearly know what I’m saying yes to in order to be able to say no. Kate and I had a plan last night and I was so overwhelmed and behind I was going to muster everything I had to make it. But fortunately, I didn’t have to…because she sent me the following text which I will now use as a template for my 2024 resolution to cancel when I need to:
if you’re not signed up for her newsletter Bite Sized by now I don’t even know what to say. Say it, loud and clear — Related, words are important. I heard my favorite writer Chris Kraus say once, “If I can’t be a great writer, I can be accurate.” Accuracy and being, as Don Miguel Ruiz advises, “…impeccable with your word” are key. Even when it is difficult.
Try > Effortless + Warm > Cool— Trying is uncool, ie. slacker culture, etc. Being casual or effortless is cool. But I must accept I am warm and try very hard. Zoë knows my attempt at ‘cool’ has been my Achilles' heel these last few years, so she sent me this essay where the writer says, ”I will really be trying very hard to make the things I want to make, and continue to enjoy things that other people have tried very hard to make good.”
…I could go on but I’ll stop there, and return soon with more lessons…and I do mean soon like next week…I had a shower thought a few days before Christmas…it felt like a lightning strike type of ah-ha moment…
My grand plan was…wait for it…12 DAYS OF SUBSTACKS…That’s right, the person who can’t seem to get it together to write to you weekly, or monthly, thought, you know what I could do though: write daily…during the most universally busy week of the year.
Obviously, it didn’t happen…but somehow, perhaps I’m delusional, but I think it still potentially could…like what if I wrote you just tiny dispatches with a few items in each, e.g., links to what I’ve read or insights gained, etc.? Would that be fun for you?
Wait…that doesn’t matter…I will do as Rubin and Bowie advise. In these next several weeks I will publish some of those: more personal lessons, as well as stories of how I learned them because that is what feels interesting now.
Your friend,
KD
“If something strikes me as interesting or beautiful, first I live that experience. Only afterward might I attempt to understand it. Though we can’t change what it is that we are noticing, we can change our ability to notice. We can expand our awareness and narrow it, experience it with our eyes open or closed. We can quiet our inside so we can perceive more on the outside, or quiet the outside so we can notice more of what’s happening inside.”
-Rick Rubin, The Creative Act
END OF YEAR PODCAST EPISODES
’Tis the season for a repeat episode. I chose this interview with musician Andrew Bird from the archive because he always reminds me of the holidays. Despite the discomfort I felt revisiting something recorded nearly 4 years ago and judging my past self, what Bird shared with me in our conversation feels as relevant today as it did then. Before I play my 2019 conversation with Bird, I outline a 2020 episode of Marc Maron’s podcast where Bird was the guest and how it impacted me, including his perspective on ‘molting’.
Our annual holiday episode. The holidays are often a time for heightened emotions, obligations, perhaps travel, hosting, gifting, nostalgia, and general busyness—making them a season for anxiety to run high. So each year we debrief on our seasonal anxiety and the management tools, tips, and ideas that have helped us and hope will help us this year.
Lastly, I produced a 3 part series for Holisticism. It is now out in its entirety if you’d like to listen to all 3 parts.
*GOOD HOUSEKEEPING *
** Ever thought about working with me in the Creative Clinic?
This year might be the time to start! Let’s make your short film? Finish the zine? Launch the podcast? Go freelance? Publish the Substack? Start the YouTube show? Publish the kids’ book? I’m stoked to hear all your ideas, hopes, dreams, and fears this year…
Currently five spots open. More info here.
images stills from:
Paris, TX 1984
Beginners (2010)
The Gumby Show (1959)
Your newsletter is a treasure trove of grounding, thought-provoking tidbits every time. Thank you. 💓